Yesterday was Day 2 of my new habit (hopeful thinking) of early morning walks. This little spit of sand I live on comes with a wondrous open air concert hall, where I am serenaded by feathered friends as I explore the streets. The crows provide the comic, chatty interludes.
We have a quickly growing population of feral bunnies and I notice several folks put veggies out for them. While photographing a pair of Northern Flickers tending to their power pole nest, a funny little cat stalked me from the shrubs below. For about a block, I couldn’t take one step without almost being tripped by this scoundrel. I finally told it to go home and was so surprised when it immediately headed up the closest driveway.
Along the way I spotted 2 lighthouse sculptures, a driftwood fence and two creative driftwood raised bed gardens. Oh, and a beautiful “lady” in the flowers.
As I admired a colorful and cozy front yard garden nestled under a pair of cedar trees, I almost missed seeing the orange cat perched on a bird bath. Perhaps it was overly confident that a bird might miss seeing it too and stop in for morning ablutions.
A kindly crow pointed the way, seconds before I spotted a stealthy raccoon, who froze when he saw me, then raced into the woods. My last visual treat was a deer and his shadow nibbling some grass in the glow of the rising sun.
I originally posted this just after I started my blog, and again in 2013, but I wanted re-post it in honor of Paul’s birth date this year. Paul loved celebration, surprises and family. I remember this last birthday before he was diagnosed with leukemia. We lined our merged five grand daughters up on the couch and took pictures. We so loved our little girlies :>)
Paul is/was a Leo and loved being in the lime light on his special day, okay, on any day. He was very quiet about his pride of place, but if you knew him well, loved him, you could see the glow of it in his bright blue eyes and that smile…
I gave him this 3-D NASCAR card that he kept next to his chair for months; he’d never seen anything like it and I think he loved it better than his actual gift. He loved getting gifts, but that was nothing compared to how he loved finding the perfect thing for someone special. He was very into the drama of giving gifts.
We went out to eat with friends 3 times a week and one of the places was at the local casino. While waiting in line, you pass the gift shop. We’d often have our friends hold our place in line, while we looked in the display cases. I’d oooh and ah over the pretty, shiny things, then we’d move back into the line waiting to get in for dinner.
That Christmas, I had a lot of gifts in all sorts of shapes and sizes. By the time all the gifts were opened, I saw what he had done. He used his casino points and bought me every piece of jewelry I had made noise about at the gift shop during the past year! Crazy guy. Thankfully, he also bought me a jewelry armoir to put it all in.
This is a piece of our story; the man I knew. This was written for his birthday, 11 months before cancer entered our lives.
20 Aug 2007
Paul teased me about writing a book for him, instead I wrote this poem for his 60th birthday.
Book of Paul…
He is everything wonderful that I ever needed,
handsomely wrapped up in one big tender man.
His rolling laughter leads to coughing fits;
spitting up water and vitamins,
and then falling off the bed!
A prankster to his core,
full of special surprises for all.
A memory-maker, his camera always within reach,
he records the Kodak moments of our lives.
His cards & gifts & little notes come from the heart,
and always meet their target.
He loves easily and deeply…
his children, grandchildren, his friends & me!
He would love to be a millionaire,
but he lives well, and is generous with what he has.
His tastes and beliefs are “traditional”,
yet he has an open mind and can embrace the non-traditional,
except food, of course!
He loves Taco Time, NASCAR, animal shows,
Funniest Videos, Cops and bad sci-fi movies.
Every day he says and does funny or special things for me,
he can calm me with only a look, or a touch.
He wants us together, no matter what,
and turns every errand into a “date”.
He acts crabby sometimes,
but just below the surface is a joke or a prank or a smile.
He notices the little things,
and always says “thank you”.
For a T-shirt and jeans guy,
he sure is a clothes horse!
He gives hugs and touches often,
he sings seriously and dances with a laugh.
Happy Birthday… With All My Love,
Patti
Sorry about the quality of this photo. I snapped it on my way out the door. This is Paul’s part of a little alter I have in my beach cave, for all those we’ve lost the last few years.
Or…between The Cascades and The Olympics. Like the eyes on the portrait that follow your every move, these mountain ranges gaze down at you, no matter the direction you travel. You may not always even see them, but they are there… more Between Inlets and the Ocean photos on myPhall Photos blog here: http://wp.me/p3J4Ab-fU
My regular dental clinic is only 40 minutes away, a beautiful drive through coastal forests and along Willipa Bay. I spent my birthday yesterday traveling over 200 miles, to and from, a visit to the oral surgeon. From the Pacific Ocean, into Puget Sound and the Strait of Juan de Fuca, flow inlets, bays, canals, lakes and rivers. They flow over, through and around the luscious green forested lands of Western Washington. I did thoroughly enjoy the drive home across a few unknown map inches and three counties.
A Lesson: Let Go Of The Worry and Grab Onto The Good Stuff
My neighbor drove as I fretted and worried: Would the surgeon require I.V. sedation? How would I come up with the advance cash to pay for it? Could I convince him that I am just too afraid of general anesthesia (which I am)? Will luck be with me and the surgeon be a decent person? I was prepared to walk away if he was a stoic, judgmental creep, like some that have worked on my teeth.
How many dentists, dental students, assistants, and hygienists have had their fingers in my mouth over the years? Such an intimate thing, made clinical by necessity. Probe my ears, look up my nostrils, but please leave my other orifices to me.
I didn’t request one single photo stop on the way there; I was too busy worrying. What a waste of the beauty on the scenic route we traveled! After the two-and-a-half hour trip I was buzzing with negative energy. After pacing the waiting room floor for an hour…well, you may wonder if the dental surgeon even survived our meeting.
The black-clad assistant led me to the consultation room. I studied the detailed tooth poster on the wall. I nervously eyed the instruments on the counter. The assistant displayed the panoramic x-ray of my mouth and jaw on a small screen next to me. She took my blood pressure (high, for me) and walked out the door, making promises about how soon the doctor would be in.
Every one of the employees wore black tops and bottoms. Weird, after all the cheerful? bunnies and rainbows and colorful uniforms on personnel at the many hospitals and clinics I have been in. I kind of liked it. Sure, black may have been a bad choice for a place where clients are mostly afraid and nervous, but I liked the uniformity (pun?) of them all wearing the same color.
In walked Dr. Calm and I fell instantly, deeply in love. Not with the man, per se, but with the feeling he brought into the room with him. The atmosphere filled with calm, until there was no space available for my fear, anger, angst and worry. He spoke softly, he smiled, his movements were casual, he kept eye contact, and he laid aside every ounce of worry baggage that I had brought along with me. I gathered up that pile of worry and dropped it into the garbage can on my way out the door.
The drive home was spectacular.
Phall Photo Friday is a weekly feature here. Phall= P(atti) Hall.
Here’s a sampling of news items that I found interesting enough to pass onto our community. I hope you find some nuggets in this week’s writer-reader news roundup. Patti’s News Day Tuesday posts every other week.
From Media Shift, Latest E-book and Self Pub News:
You may think that this is a strange link from someone who raised her children without TV, and currently lives without TV. I get I Want Media in my personal email, because I do like to keep up with the business and trends in media. The book section includes memoirs and other books, either outing or touting, the latest news media and makers. This site is one way that I keep up with what’s going on in the world of media. I’m also waiting for next month’s annual Future of Media forum. Here is a link to last year’s forum…very enlightening: http://www.iwantmedia.com/forum/index.html
Gigaom is another site that comes in my email, although it is also on my WordPress reader. It offers technology news, Apple, cleantech, cloud, data, Europe, mobile, and video. It is pretty technical, but has gems like the story link above.
Ground mail. Rusty abandoned mail box. PHALL PHOTO 2014
Yep, I’m going to break down and try the blog schedule thing. I also added a mission statement and a link to my Facebook to the sidebar, and I updated my HOME page.
So here’s the plan:
MEMOIR MONDAY- Every other Monday(beginning May 12th) will be all about memoir—yours, mine and theirs. An excerpt, poem or story from my memoir-in-progress, and/or links, news and reviews relating to memoir reading or writing.
NEWS DAY TUESDAY- Every other Tuesday (beginning May 6th) will be my writer-reader news roundup. Whatever I come across that is newsworthy and of interest to writers and readers.
PROMPTLY WEDNESDAY- If I join in a photo or writing prompt, I’ll post my entry on Wednesdays.
PHOTO FRIDAY- Beginning May 9th, I’ll add photos from the current week and/or photos from my archives to my PHALL PHOTO blog. I’ll pick my favorite photo and post it here, with a link to the photos I added on my photo blog. If inspired, I’ll include a poem, short story, or a quote relating to the photo.
Later, I may add THOSE WHO CARE THURSDAY for care-giver news, fiction and non-fiction stories and information.
So, each week I will have a Monday OR Tuesday post and Friday photos. The rest are occasional.
As usual, I’ll probably include one of my photos to each post, whether it’s relevant to the post, or not 🙂 If you have a post (yours or someone else’s) that relates to anything I post, feel free to add a link to it in your comments.
I doubt that I will be able to completely curb my wide streak of spontaneity, but this schedule will hopefully make my busy life easier, AND allow you to follow posts that interest you.
I’m sure you will, but please let me know what you think about this blog schedule plan. Do you have a schedule or have you tried to implement one? I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas.
Hiya friends and family. I’m taking the last few days of April off. Not actually off, just off the internet. I have X,Y & Z posts lined up to automatically publish over the next three days. I will be back to catch up on any comments that I miss on social media on CORRECTION!!!!! MAY 1st. I’ll leave you with this slide show. Photos taken with my phone yesterday. Peace Out, Patti
Welcome to our blog tour! Garden gate to my mom’s garden. Eagle River, Alaska 2012
Frankly, when Sheree Nielsen at http://shereenielsen.wordpress.com/ invited me to join this blog tour, I thought my plate was too full. That’s because it is! Oh, well, whatever spills over the plate and onto the floor, the chickens can eat. Wait, no chickens here. My neighbor’s dog, Gertrude, can have whatever falls off my plate.
So, um, thank you for adding me to the tour, Sheree! Our little community here LOVES pretty photos, and I know they will hop over to see the ones you and your husband take. You also have that fantastic “healing” coffee table book, Folly Beach Dances, coming out this month. I’m sure it will sell very well!
Sheree was brought to the tour by Mary Horner at http://writrteachr.blogspot.com/ , and she was brought on board by Donna Volkenannt. This is beginning to sound like that old 70’s shampoo commercial, “…and she told 2 friends, and she told 2 friends…” etc.
Okay, down to business, which is to answer four questions about my writing process. (Oh, this should be enlightening!)
1. What am I working on? A better question for me at this time, would probably be: What are you NOT working on? I am not working on my memoir series, the short “Postcards” book, nor any of the children’s poems and stories on my hard drive, that patiently await my attention. Instead, I’m dabbling in this cool blog tour, teasing my muse with the A-Z April Challenge, and reading (and commenting!) on some damn fine blogs. I’m also THINKING about writing A LOT while the dirt collects under my broken nails and sweat forms on my brow from some serious garden work.
2. How does my work differ from others of its genre? It may be a bit…looser than other memoirs, I have a hard time sticking to rules when it comes to writing. I write from the heart. When I write for children, I put on my silly hat (one of many—me and the late, great Dr. Seuss have that in common) and tell wild tales that also have some heart thrown in.
3. Why do I write what I do? The memoir was something my late husband and I planned while we spent a year fighting for his life. We wanted to offer some help and humor for others who would follow our path of living in hospitals and short-term housing during a health crisis. Writing for children comes from raising a couple of great ones along the way, sharing laughs with my little grands and never loosing site of my own childish side.
4. How does your writing process work? Ha ha ha ha! A writing process? I’ve been meaning to get one of those. I bet there’s an app for that! Seriously? For the memoir, and other non-fiction writing, I start with a small mind map in a notebook (very low-tech), then I make a poster-sized one that I can follow as I progress (IF I progress). Basically, I start brain-storming and circling points that I want to make in the book or article. It’s a wildly fun and fast-paced process, where one thing leads to another. Here’s a post I did on it: Mind Map.
No one likes to hear how I write most of my fiction stories, but here goes. I dream them up. Literally. I wake up with an idea, or sometimes with a whole story, and CAN NOT go back to sleep until I get it written down. I usually start in a notebook, but I’m learning to go straight to my lap top instead; transcription is so tedious!
I also use photos to prompt stories, as I did in the B & C installments of the A-Z April Challenge.
Next up on the My Writing Process Blog Tour! are three lovely writing friends, who I think you will all enjoy meeting.
S.K. Nichols at http://redclayandroses1.wordpress.com/ has been a blogging friend since I began my blog. Susan is the author of Red Clay and Roses, a fictionalized true story that blends mystery, rape, murder, drama, and forbidden love into a historical context. She has several other books in the works. Susan is also great about sharing her writing progress, writing book reviews and gathering our community together to discuss writerly issues. She is open, honest and humorous about her journey of writing and publishing.
My second choice for the blog tour is actually a mother/daughter writing team, Inion N. Mathair, at http://inionnmathair.wordpress.com/ . They have been a writing duo for the past six years and have published YA novels, The Perfect 7, Nightwalkers; The Secret of Jessup and a collection of short stories, From the Dark & Twisted Mind of Inion N. Mathair. Not only prolific writers, but Ginger and Natalie spend almost as much time promoting other writers across their social media network. They write book reviews, present writer interviews and they heavily promote and share all the beautiful, fun, sassy and witty blogs that they discover along the way.
Aside from their obvious writing talent, all three ladies are tops with supporting other writers and bloggers. Please take a few minutes and visit their sites.
This dog at Kevin’s daughter’s house wants to know who I am. Missed the tilted head look it gave me. PHALL PHOTO 2014
Flowering tree at Centralia College, where Kevin’s daughter works and my daughter lives next to. PHALL PHOTO 2014
My grandson as whirling dervish Superman. This is his speed unless he is sleeping. Hard to capture a still photo. Hahahaha! Love my Cameron. PHALL PHOTO 2014
Bulbs I planted in December before I went to Alaska. I almost missed their blooms. Weeds are history right after I took photo. Westport, WA. PHALL PHOTO 2014
Seriously? Pile of hail at downspout. I have witnesses. Sara & Tiffiny came by later and Sara grabbed a handful of it. I was working in garden in tank top right before rain then hail started. PHALL PHOTO 2014
A crop of morel mushrooms grew while I was away. Cool. PHALL PHOTO 2014
Weed after hail storm. PHALL PHOTO 2014
Pile of weeds in front of the pond. The primroses that were blooming in winter are still blooming under the Camelia! PHALL PHOTO 2014
Sweet Peas for my Sweet Pea! Grandma Rae’s flowers and photo.
Today my daughter turned 27. There are so many reasons that spring was the perfect season for the birth of my Sara. Spring is fresh, cheery and full of energy. Most of all, with spring comes hope. Sara brought so much hope to my life!
The year before Sara was born, a young military couple who I was close to got pregnant. They were so young and in love and mutually glowing, that you’d have to be made of stone not to feel it. I was almost 30 and not thinking about settling down to domestic life with babies, although I was married. In a few months I realized that I was pregnant. Then I realized the glow was not automatic. My husband was not feeling it. Our company relocated us to Yakima, where we didn’t know a single soul.
Where was that damn glow? It was a rough pregnancy and the pothole filled streets of our new town didn’t help. Yakima was colder than anywhere I had ever lived. Maybe if I could get that illusive glow it would warm me up!? No such luck. I focused my energies on crafts and genealogy. I met a few neighbors, but had no real friends. Pitiful!
At some point, my focus turned onto the bundle of joy curled up inside me. Yep, I know, duh. I had scary pregnant-mother dreams and I had day dreams about the wonderful life we would have. As spring moved closer, my heart thawed even more and I began having long conversations with that little person in my tummy. I sang songs and read books to the tiny future that was tumbling and turning within the mound at my center.
Waiting for Sara’s birth was very much like waiting for spring. After a long (9 months!) winter, with no color or warmth, I yearned for the bright hope and cheer of my baby. I remember counting and recounting the days until the baby was due. I remember the doctor appointment that day. “Any time now.” My mother-in-law (RIP, Katie) was over for the great event; the birth of her first grandchild from her only child.
I will always remember pacing that small duplex, while dad-to-be and his mom slept peacefully unaware of the drama taking place. I loved those hours anticipating the birth, and cherished the strange communication we had in the wee hours that night. I almost didn’t want the baby to leave my body. I felt it would sever something special between us. So I waited until I couldn’t wait any longer; I was dilated 8, of 10 centimeters by the time I finally woke the household and moved to the birthing center at the hospital.
Sara was the light and hope of spring 27 years ago, and she continues to be my light and hope.
Funny, Sara came after I moved to Yakima, and my son Jon joined us a month after I left Yakima…
So full of love for my daughter on her special day,
Since I don’t often reblog, I recently found out that I need to make it clearer when I do. The purpose of this post was to shine a light on Tricia A Mitchell’s incredible travel blog.
I can’t travel everywhere that I would like to, nor can I take you along on my travels. What I can do is share a bit of Tricia’s travels with you. This is an older post, but spring in western Washington seems like a perfect time to spend “An Afternoon At Claude Monet’s Garden…” with Tricia. Here is a Monet quote that I feel to my core,
“Every day I discover
more and more
beautiful things.
It’s enough to drive one mad.
I have such a desire
to do everything,
my head is bursting with it.”
― Claude Monet
Yes, it has been a year since I began blogging. Even though it was very lonely the first few months, you eventually found me and have kept me going with your support and encouragement ever since. The secret to bringing folks to your blog is so simple: Get out and visit, comment and “like” other blogs. That’s it. Go forth and make friends :>)
PHALL PHOTO 2013
Here’s how the first 6 months went for me. I didn’t know one blogger and had no idea how to blog. After a couple months of loneliness, I started searching for info about memoir and children’s writing and publishing. During my quest for info I started visiting other blogs, I made some friends. Adding photos to my posts seemed to bring more people to this little community. Popping in on Twitter, Facebook and other social media sites, really brought some new faces to The Write Place.
I hope to add some highlights of the second half of my first year in the next few days, but for now, here is what I was up to my first six months…
PHALL PHOTO 2013
Six entries in March 2013, including things like:
I posted a quote that seemed to fit my state of mind as I began this new endeavor of public blogging, writing and (hopefully) publishing. “Do not hurry, do not rest,” by Goethe. As fast as I wanted to get started, I knew that I also wanted to take my time and not make a bunch of (public) mistakes.
I was unsure of what/how to begin, but decided to use my long dormant maiden name for my writing. I posted a poem inspired by my mother, who instilled the love of reading and humor in me. Another poem that I posted that first month reflected the pain of the sudden and unexpected loss of one of my sisters the year before.
Sunrise at Westhaven Beach, WA w/Coast Guard Tower. Phall Photo 2013
The post, Keeper Book Synopsis, http://wp.me/p3i5jo-x tells the genesis story of the handcrafted “Keepers” that my friend (Leslee) and I created years ago. My hopes are to publish the stories that I wrote for each one. I also finished typing a 2500 word story that I wrote for my children in 1996.
The last entry of March 2013 says, in part, “I woke up this morning, well, it was really almost 11. Anyway, I was looking around and my eye caught on some star wands that I need to give my granddaughters, from a mutual friend. Soon I had a story rumbling in my head and I was off. I have been writing and editing all damn day long, and half the night! I made some coffee, finally ate a snack, packed some things for my move [home relocation] tomorrow and wrote like crazy. I completed a children’s story 10 words shy of 4000 words. Crazy. It just came out. Does it happen like that for you? And, hey, I have no illusions that this would not get whittled in half by a real editor, but I’m good with that. It is the process that is so…gripping, so addictive.”
April- 12 entries. This was my third month going to the local writer group that I joined, and I posted, “Have been checking out and “following” several other writer blogs. Have been “invited” to join a writer site that allows us to give and receive feed-back. I am learning about the current trends in writing and publishing…” Another entry, Good Grief, A Widow Writes A Memoir, http://wp.me/p3i5jo-V explains some of the things I was learning about memoir writing and how painful it can be to write about Paul’s illness and death. Still is.
Breakfast for fawn. Across from my driveway. PHALL PHOTO 2013
I posted about a writer retreat and a writer conference in Homer, Alaska, which is also home to one of my sisters and her husband. I began taking a writing class taught by a local writer, and I met several other writers there. I posted a poem that I wrote for Paul’s 60th birthday in 2007. I made an ambitious attempt at a blogging schedule. Hilarious, if you really know me; the “s” word and me are not close.
I signed onto several more social media venues and shared some sites with helpful information for writers. I touched on some newsy information in one post, about the way technology is taking away our privacy. I wrote a poem about the deaths and injuries in the Boston marathon bombing and the explosion in Texas. I posted a short story about a child molester/monster.
Kites down on beach. PHALL PHOTO 2013
I moved Maggie (my trailer/cave/home) from the bay outside of Westport, into Westport proper and closer to the beach. The worst shock and heartache of my life happened on the 26th, when my grandson died. Still dealing with the other recent losses in my life, I stopped blogging for awhile.
May- 13 entries. I lost my mind a bit, but returned to blogging late in the month, with 2 poems on grief and loss. Lady In The Cave http://wp.me/p3i5jo-1N and Treasured Souls http://wp.me/p3i5jo-1P were followed by a post complaining about the new parameters for the medical definition of grief. I wrote a few other poems/essays and shared some of the writing/publishing information that I was learning. Still very few visitors or followers on my blog, but I kept on. This was my first poetry/photo combo post: Beach Bird Bliss http://wp.me/p3i5jo-2c and it made me realize how much readers enjoy photos along with the words.
Fresh seed pod on tree. PHALL PHOTO 2013 Panasonic Lumix DMC-ZS19
June- 22 entries. This was a very busy writing month and I had some fun with the essay, Things That Go Rrrrr, Crash, and Drip In The Night http://wp.me/p3i5jo-4w. I also got better at working with photos and started posting photos for Word Press Daily Prompts and Weekly Photo Challenges. I posted quite a bit under Writing Journal as I learned about and organized for successful memoir writing. The post, New! Dedicated Memoir Page and Sneak Peek of Prologue http://wp.me/p3i5jo-3m tells the story of how I got from the house that Paul and I shared, to living at the beach. What I Would Tell You Now http://wp.me/p3i5jo-3v is a letter to my late husband, written long after he was gone. I also started writing and submitting book reviews this month.
Butterfly on Flower in my friend’s garden. Phall Photo 2013
These are busy days, but I will try to post the summary of July-December 2013, in the next few days… Still not smoking and happy about it, over 2 months later!!!!!!!! Was thrilled to know that one of my sisters quit smoking 4 days ago too. So cool.
My one year bloggiversary is coming up on the 17th, and I will write a summary of my first blogging year on that day, but today’s post is about a completely different summary and adventure.
As most of you know, I’ve been living near the beach in Washington State for over four years, and I’ve been a widow almost five years. They have been some hard years, with too many losses of family, friends and pets. Among those losses (after my late husband’s death), I lost my sister, my little grandson, and my aunt. Just as I picked myself up off the floor from one loss, another death flattened me.
Yet I’ve also had some real joys these last few years; I reunited with a dear girlfriend and several family members. I have a new grandson. Both my nephews, and several other family members, have had babies. I’ve reveled in the healing atmosphere of my wild west coast beach, while I gained energy, balance and perspective in my solitary world (with the help of family and friends).
One thing I haven’t done, is make room (in my heart and head) for the possibility of becoming part of a couple again. Since you’ve been trailing along on my blog journey, you know that I’ve finally done that recently. Kevin and I were reunited on New Year’s Eve, about 38 years after our first and only date. He is my sister’s brother-in-law and the son of Mrs. M, who I broke out of the nursing home in Oregon this past November.
You may also recall that Kevin tried to catch me at the airport, before I left Alaska, all those years ago. He missed by 15 minutes. Now I’m ready to leave Alaska again (after caring for my folks for a couple of months) and Kevin will be waiting at the airport for me in Washington. He has been faithfully courting me long distance, with a romantic Youtube song every morning, and an hours-long phone call every evening. Do you really think there is any chance that we’ll miss our connection this time? Me neither.
Eagle River, Alaska PHALL PHOTO 2014
Every time I come to Alaska, I fall in love with the mountains. You’ve seen the photos. Of course, you’ve also seen my camera-love of the beach too. I can’t give up either, but tomorrow I will be moving from my parent’s home below the surrounding mountain ranges of Eagle River, Alaska, to Kevin’s home, nestled between Mount Rainier National Park to the north and Mt. St. Helens National Volcanic Monument to the south, with the Gifford Pinchot National Forest in all directions.
Eagle River, Alaska PHALL PHOTO 2014
My next post will be on my one year bloggiversary. I’ll also give you an update on the new views of mountains and maybe a few other things…
“It is funny how you do not miss affection until it is given, but once it is, it can never be enough; you would drown in it if possible.” Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing
The Heart Room Door
The heart cracked and broke into all those pieces and rolled across the floor.
Grief stricken and shaken by the mounting losses, I ran straight out of the door.
I pulled it closed behind me. “Click” went the lock, then I swallowed down the key.
Further along the hallway, I curled into a closet, to mend what little was left of me.
Years went by; I patched the leaking eyes and embroidered an acceptable smile.
Still, and even so, opening that closet door would take a good long while.
Like shiny pieces of mercury, the heart fragments rolled and bumped along the floor,
eventually, they melded together, and slipped right under the heart room door.
Down the hall, in the closet, the door opened slowly and all I could do was stare:
the heart was whole, held gently in your hands, as you pulled me in to begin the repair.
You are all going to think that the cold has gotten to me.
Since I first started packing to go to Alaska, in the middle of flippin’ winter, and leave my stormy beach life in Washington State, many things have…shifted within me. I came here to take care of my mom (and dad, somewhat) while she recovers from hip replacement. I may stay longer to help my younger brother if the docs decide to repair his back. This is where I need to be for now, but it feels different somehow.
As most of you know, I’ve been carrying on some kind of long distance…something? with my brother-in-law’s brother, who I knew when I was 15, and have spent exactly 1 day with since then. We’ve been making plans for a few summer activities when I get back from Alaska. The main thing is that we’re having fun getting to know each other and we smile and laugh a lot. So that’s a big shift for this solitary gypsy/cave woman who has been in the depths of grieving for almost 5 years. Okay, a gigantic shift.
Reuniting with my long lost girlfriend, Leslee, caused a profound shift in my thinking. Her recent brush with death was tough to hear, but her renewed energy for life had a seriously positive impact on me. You know how sometimes 7 people can say the same thing, or give the same advice, but you don’t really take it in until you hear it from the 8th person? I think that’s what happened with Leslee. I think that she offered similar grief advice that I’ve heard or read from others, but she was just the right person, who said just the right words, at just the right time and they clicked into place in my pea-brain.
Other shifts: Day 14 in Alaska, Day 8 since mom came home from hospital, Day 5 since I QUIT SMOKING AFTER 35 YEARS, Day 4 since I QUIT COFFEE AFTER 24 YEARS, Day 3 since I stopped eating evil things to make up for smokes and coffee:>)
So, there’s some pretty big shifts (I deleted all the perfect cuss words that fit so well into this sentence). Mom and Kevin are the only ones that I told. They have been my mini, but mighty, cheer leading squad (great visual). Mom told dad tonight, but he was pretty quiet about it.
I’m as shocked as you are. I don’t know, I just wanted to keep it close for a few days. It wasn’t something I planned at all; no big X for quit day on the calendar. No pills or patches or magic potions. I was just about to open my last pack, when I decided I’d quit. I smoked that pack over a couple days, then I quit. The next day I quit coffee. I’ve had no headaches or…any other withdrawal symptoms
Yes, my dad’s frequent lectures, mom’s heartfelt pleading and having to sit out in the freaking cold to smoke may have all contributed to my decision. However, my visit with Leslee, my cousins and my grandchildren also contributed. As did my word (and plans) for 2014: HOPE.
If this is going to be a year filled with hope, then I could have hope for health and happiness and maybe even hope for a partner to share it all with. I did write that. Am I sure? Hell no, just minutes ago I thought I was going to be alone the rest of my life. Really. And that was okay then—a minute ago. Maybe not now. Oh, well, stranger things have happened:>)
Peace Out,
Patti, who has no more secrets (damn!)
P.S. My writing is not on hold, but has also shifted in another direction. As I watch several of my writer-friends publishing, or getting very close to publishing, I can only look on and cheer and wonder if I’ll ever get back on track. I will. I know I will…
THE WRITE PLACE... 